Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
