I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
