ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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