I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
