i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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