Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
