I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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