I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
