best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize