You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize