Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
