I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
