You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
