my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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