does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
there was a trapeze. enough said
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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