So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
