If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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