EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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