She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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