I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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