hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
