I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
