one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
sarcasm needs its own font
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
