I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
