went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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