I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
