Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
