She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
even my farts smell like vagina
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just pee around me
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
