i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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