who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
