I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
