are you still at the devil's house?
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
