watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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