Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
