My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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