does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
