theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
