Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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