I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
