I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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