I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
