The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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