I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
