I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
