he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
