What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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