I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
