I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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