i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
