I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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