Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Randomize
