he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize