My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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