I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
