someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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