I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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