so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
